My Declaration

My Declaration

Through the hills and the sharp turns called life, there have been moments of growth where I felt great. There were other moments where I felt completely lost. Going through what most may call an emotional rollercoaster for so long, I went into these different emotional “modes” that looking back on it, made me feel and appear to have a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality. One minute, I felt ‘normal’, in the sense of being emotionally stable and the next second, ‘abnormal’ – an extreme form of emotional pain or hurt. It wasn’t as happy of a balance.

Explaining this to one of my close friends, she recommended a book – I Declare: 31 Promises to Speak over Your Life by Joel Osteen. As someone who is a spiritualist more so a believer in organized religion, I was a little apprehensive as I look to different levels of motivation to lead a life of blessings and positivity. However, she encouraged me to read it as another perspective in building myself whole again.

 Broken into thirty-one segments, the goal of the book is to “define the most powerful blessings in Scripture and encourages readers to declare one each day for a month.” Through this, each declaration will affirm “God’s blessings in the area of health, family legacy, decisions, finances, thoughts, outlook and overcoming obstacles.”

 

It emphasizes that the words we use and declare aloud aligns with what we believe our future will hold: “You cannot talk defeat and expect to have victory. You can’t talk lack and expect to have abundance. You will produce what you say…The moment you speak them out, you allow them to take root.”

We should not use our words to describe the situation – “calling it in.” Instead, we need to use our words to change the situation – “declaring” our trajectory.

 My Declaration:

I declare that starting today; I will use my words to change my situation – from calling in to declare my victories every day.

Drop the 40, Switch to 35: Life Requires It

Over the past few weeks, my aunt, uncle and cousins moved back from Cali to the East Coast. As we enter August, Sir (my cousin/little brother who I practically grew up with) asked me, "Jacob, man, what do you want for your birthday?" Thinking about it, I was trying to figure out something, but I realized the gift that I really want is something I will have to get for myself. Before I share that with you, let me give you the context of how this decision came about. 


July 3, 2012 was a life-alternating date for me. Under immense stress personally and professionally, there are major changes occurring simultaneously that caused my body to react in an unhealthy way. I felt numbness on my whole right hand side and significant, sharp chest pains. Assuming I was having a stroke, I asked my mother to take me to the hospital.


Doctors and nurses determined immediately that my blood pressure was 178/99 (one step away from ICU). Given my age and the pain/numbness continued, the nurses and doctors were very concerned. Although I explained what happened and how I typically work best under stress, I couldn’t make it through. Some may contribute it to nerves, others may say fear. It was neither. 

It was anger. We were so close. I wasn't able to fulfill what I, as a person and a leader, wanted for my team and more importantly, my community who I am proud to serve. This rage continued, causing my blood pressure to not reduced until I spoke with one of the interns who was around my age. Entering into business himself, he looked at me and said, “Wow, man, your 25 and you ended up here for your dream? I commend you, but I’m scared. This is what I am going to end up like?” 


While some may think “well that's supportive; what a great time to say that crap”, in a way, it was an honest reaction that not only did I appreciate, but needed to hear to acknowledge where I was fully situated.  It put everything into perspective, one I wish I never ended up in. However, I’m thankful for the truth – it pushed me to realize things can’t be the same as it was before.


Several phone calls, obviously, came in from my brothers, sister, aunts, uncles, friends all giving advice or yelling at me in some sort of way – all, though, out of concern and love. My parents switched shifts until I was cleared from all the testing and was discharged in the afternoon on the 4th of July.


My chief of staff contacted my Chairperson of my organization's Board of Directors to let him  and the Board know what happened. Come to find out, he called me as soon as I got home and stated, "Don’t even think about, three weeks of vacation and I will call the doctor on you if you don't follow suit” Laughing it off, I was pleased. I put myself second, third or fourth to other things. It made me think of my grandmother who use to say all the time, “If you don’t help yourself, how you are gonna help others?”


So, during this summer, I took the time to listen to music more intently, watched movies and write poetry more. I slowly shifted myself back to hip hop, contemporary and lyrical dance after a 4 year absence. I started hanging out with my friends recently, too –  all things that I shut down thinking it was sacrifice when instead it was a determent to my well being. 


Reaching the end of my “vacation” this past week, my follow-up Monday afternoon indicated I am a “clean of bill of health.” As my doctor said it best, “You must be doing something right – blood pressure is 120/75, no major health concerns. Continue to build time for you, Jacob.” My family encouraged me that it doesn't mean I giving up on anything at all. It is instead being more honest, strategic, positive and balanced with everything.


So, my birthday wish follows doctor's orders, but is much more bigger than that. My gift is to take care of me more. Looking back at all of this, things could have been done differently where all of this may have not happen. Yet, I take it as sign for me as my cousins say, "Care for Jay, as much as you do for others." I hear you all, loud and clear. I neglected it and God willing, it will never happen again. More importantly,


Starting August 3 to September 7, I am going to commit to the 40 day challenge of personal growth I was going to start in April into 35 towards my birthday. It isn’t limited to these 35 days, as taking care of you it is a lifelong commitment. Yet, it is a starting point. And as I continue to share this journey with you all online as “a form of accountability”, I look forward to your encouragement and support. I am going to need it.


I also hope this post makes you take a little bit more care of yourselves, as well. We only got one shot of this game called life – let’s play it smart, play it well and make it pass, go. We all want that $200! Love you all. See you soon!


::drops mic::
::exit stage left::

40 Day Challenge

Some of you may have noticed or wondered about this "40 Day Challenge" I mentioned once or twice on my FB page -- let me explain.

Whole is the goal. It's that simple.

I have come to terms with the fact that I need to separate myself from things that aren't healthy, personally and professionally, to get the most out of this process. Through this, I'll learn more tools and strategies in being consistent with what I started so this isn't a "quick fix"; but a long-term solution towards a better me.

This isn't a prescribed program, a book or a diet - it is simply 40 day start focusing on cleansing myself internally and externally towards feeling complete; feeling whole. It will involve some shifts in eating, some shifts in goal setting, some shifts in understanding who I am more as a person as well. 

Each day is a new challenge that I set myself up to do as a way to experience new horizons. I promise, it isn't drastic; as I believe in "everything in moderation."

However, there will be some interesting things included in this that I think some may go, "Jay, really? I would have never thought you would..." That's the point - it's not about someone thinking I would not doing something, but it's about me taking more risks in stepping outside my comfort zone. I truly excited about it!

I will be documenting my experience with you all during the next 40 days.

Although there won't be a post everyday, at least weekly, you will see the challenges and what I've done.I am excited for this and for to join me in this journey -- Day 1 starts tomorrow!

::drops mic::
::exit stage right::

The "Welcome" Should Have Been First!

I had so much on my mind from the last post that I forgot to mention who I am and why in the world did I start a blog (again!)

Journaling, or for some, diary writing is something I’ve always done since I was in elementary school. It was a time where I can just sit, write and reflect; just let go of my emotions and put the truth on me. It felt like a message between me and God of all things I’ve experienced – good, bad or indifferent.

I was reading through one of my journals that were pretty torn apart from middle school. I saw the littlest things that mean so much to me – how sometimes I thought my parents were annoying even though they were doing the best for me, my first concert I ever went to, the first crush I ever had and more.

Yet, as I’ve grown older and got busier with work, having this personal component in my life got lost in the tracks. I’ve attempted once or twice before to start a blog or journal, but I’ve never been consistent. And, no FB or Twitter is not the place to be doing all that (I am guilty of it sometimes - learned my lesson quite well :)

Although everything is not meant to be seen in the world, I do feel, as someone who is open and honest in my life, I don’t mind sharing a few of those thoughts or moments with you all. This is why I’ve started a new blog as a way of rekindling this therapeutic experience -

So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my blog!

::drops mic::

Confusing Forgiveness & Trust

Recently, I’ve been doing some deep “soul searching” in learning more about forgiveness and building trust.

The last few weeks, I’ve learned many things in regards to relationships with myself, God and those who I associate with. I’m usually an easy going person who typically trusts people very easily, as I was raised to believe that a person is as good as their word.


Yet lately, this has been a contradiction in many ways – to the point where I’ve even began thinking those who make false promises or talk a good game, but can’t back it up.

In doing so, I feel like I’ve given too many chances to allow some to walk by my side, but instead get some who have walked on me. Yet, while the other person continues moving forward, I am going backwards wondering why. I walked into the trap again – forgiving the person in my mind for what they did, thinking it would be a one-time thing without saying anything and thinking I can trust the person by forgiving them.

I made two mistakes that I should have realized in that situation:

1) If I am not upfront in how I am feeling, I am the one to blame.

The only way to keep the relationship real is saying what it is. Some may say you can't say everything or you have to be politically correct. Yet, what I'm talking about is the actual action of saying something -- allowing the other person to know what you feeling then or within a short amount of time afterwards. If not, either the situation goes away or you will continue the cycle of not being heard. Not everyone is an open book or is as transparent as a Facebook status. True friends should be able to hear and be willing to accept all, including how you feel. Those who don't aren't worth the investment of your time.

2) Forgiveness is commonly confused with trust.

The typical, “I know I can forgive you, I just don’t know if I can trust you” is a contradiction. I, myself, fell victim into this sometimes. Forgiveness, from what I’ve learned and believe, should be offered unconditionally. If you have something attached or rules connected to it, then it isn’t forgiveness. Trust, on the other hand, is something that is earned – it is what I heard others say is a “prized possession” in a way.  

If you’ve been given promises that haven’t happen or some who  say they are looking out for me but really want something in return, I’ve often made the mistake of “letting go” too easily thinking forgiveness means trust.  Thinking about it now, I realized I was wrong – forgiveness is a process in itself. Once you reach that stage of forgiveness with no conditions, then you have the choice to build the trust with that person.

In searching around to see if others felt the same way, several blogs have written about it.  One particular line from a blog refers to a variety of sources, including the Scripture, when talking about this. However, there was one line that sums up the whole thing: you can forgive freely, but the “currency of any relationship is trust”.

I couldn't agree more - if you don’t have this in your joint account, it will end up in bankruptcy. Although the confusion has caused some hurt in my life, I’ve growing to realize now that I’m rich in the small circle of people that I can be open and trusting to.  Thanks for listening to my growing pains.

::drops mic::

::exits stage left::